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 Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)

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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)   Thu Mar 29, 2012 2:26 pm

Streetname: "Iron Raven" (Will answer to Raven)
Name: Jared Winterborn
Metatype : Human
Technomancer
Paragon: Trickster
Spoiler:
 
Stream: Technoshaman
Spoiler:
 
Age: 26
Hair: Black
Eyes: Hazel
Ethnicity: Amerindian(Makah)/Anglo(Italian American)
Sex: Male
Concept: Machine Whisperer
Birthplace: Port Townsend, Salish-Shidhe Council


Attributes(180)
Body: 2
Agility: 2
Reaction: 5
Strength: 2
Charisma: 4
Intuition: 5
Logic: 3
Willpower: 3

Special Attributes (75)
Edge: 3
Resonance: 6
Initiative: 10
Essence: 6

Knowledge Skills(0)
English : N
Native American Nations : 3
Area Knowledge : 2
Mafia : 1
Yakuza : 1
Triad : 1
Seattle Street Gangs : 1
Lone Star Procedures : 1
Corp. Security Tactics : 1
Military : 3
Black Markets : 2
Smuggling routes : 6
Engineering : 2

Active Skills(154)
Mechanic 3
Spoiler:
 
Tasking 1
Spoiler:
 
Electronics 3
Spoiler:
 
Gunnery : 4
Pilot Ground Craft : 4
Pilot Aircraft : 4
Electronic Warfare : 1
Hacking : 2
Armorer : 3
Artisan : 3

Positive Qualities(20)
Technomancer
Gearhead(Rover Model 2068)
Paragon
Restricted Gear

Negative Qualities(-109)
SINner Criminal
Media Junkie (Severe)
In Debt 6
Enemy (14)
Spoiler:
 
Vendetta(Dogmen)
Bad Rep
Spoiler:
 
Sensitive System
Day Job 2
Spoiler:
 

Complex forms(25)
Encrypt (3)
Spoof (3)
ECCM (3)
Sniffer (3)
Scan (3)
Smartlink (1)
Stealth (3)
Decrypt (3)
Command (3)

Contacts(5)
Old Partner (L:4 C:1)[Chase]


Resources (50)[250,000 30,000]

Lifestyle Middle(12) 1 month
Spoiler:
 


Last edited by Nycidian Grey on Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:25 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Gear Etc...   Thu Mar 29, 2012 2:33 pm

Tools
Spoiler:
 

working...
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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Background   Thu Mar 29, 2012 2:41 pm

Iron Talon was born Jared Winterborn on Jan, 3rd 2046 in Port Townsend to a Makah mother and an Anglo Father.

While growing up Jared learned from tribesmen who followed more traditional ways and a few who embraced the modern world. Both types of people urged him to see their way of viewing the world. But while Jared could see how interconnected the world was, unlike the traditionalists he also felt a connection to the modern world. As much as he saw the value of his people's traditional connection to the earth he needed to also connect with the iron and lightning of the new world.

Because of his unique thoughts he became a loner for most of his childhood. He developed an awareness of his own unique beliefs. He came to believe that as important as the natural world was, surely the mechanical and electrical must be as integral to our world as the living aspects. Not long after his 17th year he felt vindicated when the tenuous connection he felt bloomed and he began to see more and more information from the tech he encountered. At first as much as he believed he still wondered if it was just delusions but eventually as this continued, he was able to access data nodes without a commlink and even turn some simple things on and off. Then the final validation came to him as he was fully immersed trying to see if he could connect to a drone his father had bought to help clean their house.

Without any time passing or movement he found himself deep in a what looked like a forest yet everything was not quite like any place had ever known. It took him a second to realize that while everything looked natural and complete it was not a biological forest but one of machines. The leaves of the trees were tinted blue and when he reached out and took one into his hand he could see the that they were covered in solar cells though they looked as if they had grown there, having a quite natural beauty. He then looked at the bark and saw that it looked to be made of some sort of carbon composite perhaps. Letting go of the tree leaf he looked around and saw that everything in this forest seemed to be not only machine but quite alive. At that thought he noticed a large shadow pass over him. He looked in that dirrection to see a large Raven Land with a Loud metallic thunk. He soon found out this iron raven's name was Trickster, and was taught through communion how to become close to the living machines around him, also Trickster warned him to hide his ability because many could not or would not understand.

As Jared reached his 18th birthday he found he really had little in common with those in his town and felt stifled within his small community. He decided to enlist and because of his exceptional abilities he eventually became a pilot. After his first enlistment term he decided to leave the military as rumors of weird things that sounded like what he could do and rumors of government and corporate searches made him scared he might have issues if he stayed.

Knowing that if he wanted to stay hidden he need to head to somewhere where personal questions were discouraged he headed towards the Cascades. He eventually got a job fixing vehicles on a smuggling route. This job led to him meeting his future smuggling partner Chase. Chase an Anglo out of Seattle was part of a team of smugglers that ran through that route about once a month. For about a year he kept running into chase as their Nizhinyi BMV-2 needed constant work. At that time Jared and Chase struck up a strong friendship, and after that year when Chase's partner decided to move on Chase asked Jared to become his pilot. Jared agreed and Started going by the name Iron Raven.

For more than two years every thing went exceedingly well so well that Raven was able to buy into the partnership and they were able to buy a newer LAV. Then he and his partner made the mistake of stepping on the toes of another smuggling operation ran by the Dog Men, ex Tsimshian nationals who not only were pissed about loosing business but because Iron Raven was Makah apparently decided to burn some heavy favors. The Dog Men ended up somehow finding out where Chase and he were going to be crossing into the metroplex with a load and tipped off Lone Star. Iron Raven was able to get enough distance while evading Lone Star to let chase off and lead the police away before giving himself up.

The next three years he spent in a heavy security prison. Now hes free but has to start over again with nothing accept a bad reputation for being caught (not a good thing as a smuggler) and a severve addictions to news he developed while he was locked up along with the great benefit of a criminal SIN. To top it all off with only a small amount of money he had to borrow from some rather unscrupulous sources to get reestablished.

Now with the help of Chase they both have decided to start over in Seattle using Iron Ravens mechanic Skills and Chases business skills for both a front and hopefully eventually to get back in the smuggling game.
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Sly Hound
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Number of posts : 457
Age : 31
Location : Somewhere bewteen the Iron Kingdoms and Québec
Registration date : 2011-03-07

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PostSubject: Re: Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)   Thu Mar 29, 2012 2:48 pm

Awright couple of things in the "The Rules" format to start with.

Your limited to 35 BP that your allot to spend on Positive Qualites...and 35 for Negative ones

Also dont take things like Enemy 14 and In debt 6 Lightly "cause it gives you points" These people will want to kill you in game and 16 is pretty much the entire North American "Crimes" yes with an" s" syndicates all that combined with criminal sin means pretty much you owe someone a freakin lot of money..that person as alot of conacts so most of the country criminals are after you for a bounty..and you got a criminal sin wich makes thins even worse

Im not saying its impossible to RP but not all myself included GM will want that kinda of heat in there games

Now then into your build itself first off where is your gear?
Next is ywhy are you a technomancer if you barely do any hacking? You seem to be hell bent on driving so being a mediocre technomancer (unless thats what your aiming at from a rp perspective) is just you wasting alot of BP on skills resonance and complexe forms..if what you want is something to protect you vehicules you could just buy an AGENT
Then you dont need to spent 3 points for yakuza,triads and mafia..you can just write crime syndicates 3 so you know all of em at rating 3

The first thing if you want some good advise is to tell us/me Whats your character to you..is he a techno who can drive... a driver that heppens to be a techno?Whats your theme when making that guy..whats "im keeping this no matter what" and whats"well i didint know where ot put those points"

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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Re: Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)   Thu Mar 29, 2012 3:39 pm

Was going to edit my gear in under the tools but it was too long so to keep it together will add it in parts here.

Total Left of ¥ 280,000 ¥46
Category item Mod Mod,Mod Mod,Mod,Mod Handling Acel Speed Slots Capacity Avail Rating sub cost Cost
Vehicle GMC Hermes Van -1 5/10 100 2 0 8 1 45000 45000
Small Landing Drone Rack 0 0 1 0 0
Small Landing Drone Rack 0 0 1 0 0
Morphing License Plate 0 0 8F 1 1000 1000
Spoof Chip 0 0 8F 1 500 500
Run Flat Tires 0 0 4 250 1000
Armor, Concealed 2 0 12R 6 1000 6000
Vehicle Tag Eraser 1 0 6F 17 250 4250
Interior cameras 1 0 6R 17 100 1700
Workshop(Aeronautical) 1 0 10 1 10000 10000
Workshop(Armorer) 1 0 10 1 10000 10000
Workshop(automotive) 1 0 10 1 10000 10000
Workshop Forge 1 0 20R 1 50000 50000
Termination System Enhanced 1 0 10R 1 700 700
Gas Neuro-Stun x10 0 0 12R 10 60 600
Ammo Bin? 1 0 6R 1 200 200
Sun Cell 1 6 17 500 8500
Enhanced Image Screens 1 0 10R 17 100 1700
Anti Theft 2 0 6R 17 200 3400
Rigger Adaptation 1 0 4 1 2500 2500
Rover Model 2068 2 20/35 140 1 6 1 25000 25000
Amenities (High) 0 1 0 0
Off-Road Suspension 0 1 0 0
Passenger Protection 2 0 1 0 0
Anti-thfet System 2 0 1 0 0
Small Landing Drone Rack 3 10 1 4000 4000
Fuzzy Logic 1 12R 1 2500 2500
Life Support (Level 1) 0 8 13 500 6500
Morphing License Plate 0 8F 1 1000 1000
Spoof Chip 0 8F 1 500 500
Pilot upgrade 4 0 12 4 2500 10000
Run Flat Tires 0 4 250 1000
Improved Sensor Array 1 11 6 1 1000 1000
Camera Neutralizer (6) 0 5 12 6 250 1500
Radar (6) 0 5 8 6 200 1200
Ultara wide band Radar (4) 0 2 8R 4 500 2000
Lazer Range Finder -1 1 7 1 99 99
Lazer Range Finder 0 2 8 1 100 100
Directional Microphone 0 1 4 1 50 50
Microphone (5) 0 5 10 5 50 250
Audio Enhancement (3) 0 0 -- 3 100 300
Select Sound Filter (3) 0 0 -- 3 200 600
Non Linear Junction Detector (6) 0 1 -- 6 100 600
Camera 0 1 12 3 100 300
Flare compensation 0 -- 1 50 50
Ultra sound 0 -- 1 1000 1000
Vision Magnification 0 -- 1 100 100
Camera 0 1 12 3 100 300
Flare compensation 0 -- 1 50 50
Ultra sound 0 -- 1 1000 1000
Vision Magnification 0 -- 1 100 100
Camera 0 1 12 3 100 300
Flare compensation 0 -- 1 50 50
Ultra sound 0 -- 1 1000 1000
Vision Magnification 0 -- 1 100 100
Camera 0 1 12 3 100 300
Flare compensation 0 -- 1 50 50
Ultra sound 0 -- 1 1000 1000
Vision Magnification 0 -- 1 100 100
Camera 0 1 12 3 100 300
Flare compensation 0 -- 1 50 50
Ultra sound 0 -- 1 1000 1000
Vision Magnification 0 -- 1 100 100
Radiation 0 1 6 1 100 100
Barometric 0 1 2 1 200 200
Armor, Concealed 2 0 12R 6 1000 6000
ECM 1 0 12F 6 1000 6000
Retrans unit 1 0 12 6 666.6666666667 4000
Interior cameras 1 0 6R 13 100 1300
Rigger Adaptation 1 0 4 1 2500 2500
Extra Exit Entry Point (Roof) 1 0 8 1 5000 5000
Smuggling Compartment (wifi) 1 0 12F 1 3000 3000
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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Re: Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)   Thu Mar 29, 2012 3:41 pm

Category item Mod Mod,Mod Mod,Mod,Mod Handling Acel Speed Slots Capacity Avail Rating sub cost Cost
Drones Ford LEBD-1 (Aerial Law Enforcement Backup Drone) 1 0 6R 1 4500 4500
Mechanical Arm 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Weapon Mount (external,Fixed,RC) 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Ares MP-LMG 0 3 12F 1 1500 1500
Laser Sight 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Gas vent 2 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Smart gun system 0 1 6R 1 1500 1500
Safe Targeting system 0 1 4 1 200 200
Firing Selection Change [small] SS 0 1 4R 1 300 300
Ammo Bin 1 0 6R 1 200 200
Ammo Bin 1 0 6R 1 200 200
Improved Take Takeoff and Landing 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Ford LEBD-1 (Aerial Law Enforcement Backup Drone) 1 0 6R 1 4500 4500
Mechanical Arm 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Weapon Mount (external,Fixed,RC) 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Ares MP-LMG 0 3 12F 1 1500 1500
Laser Sight 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Gas vent 2 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Smart gun system 0 1 6R 1 1500 1500
Safe Targeting system 0 1 4 1 200 200
Firing Selection Change [SS] 0 1 4R 1 300 300
Ammo Bin 1 0 6R 1 200 200
Ammo Bin 1 0 6R 1 200 200
Improved Take Takeoff and Landing 0 0 -- 1 0 0
Repair/Build Tag Eraser 6F 1 150 150
Kit (Industrial Mechanics) -- 1 500 500
Kit (Nautical Mechanics) -- 1 500 500
Kit (Hardware) -- 1 500 500
Kit (Artisan) -- 1 500 500
Lifestyle Sleeping bag 1 75 75
Lifestyle (See below) 1 1760 1760
Armor/clothing SecureTech PPP Vitals Protector (+1/+1) 0 0 4 1 200 200
Ace of Hearts Jacket (3/3) 0 0 7 1 1250 1250
Globtrotter Fatgues (3/0) 0 0 5 1 500 500
Identity Trodes 1 50 50
Meta Link (Megadyne Deva) 1 900 900
Data Chip [100] 100 1 100
Security GloWand 0 0 4R 1 60 60
Manacase 0 0 4R 1 200 200
MageMask 0 0 2R 1 200 200
Head Jammer (4) 6R 4 250 1000
Inkless Printer 6 1 60 60
Cromatic papper [500] 6 10 5 50
Ammunition Drone Ammo 0
Regular [2000] 0 0 2R 200 20 4000


Last edited by Nycidian Grey on Thu Mar 29, 2012 3:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Re: Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)   Thu Mar 29, 2012 3:54 pm

Sly Hound wrote:
Your limited to 35 BP that your allot to spend on Positive Qualites...and 35 for Negative ones

I tried to find out about limits couldn't find it anywhere, thanks for the info. Though it sucks I probably have to either rewrite my story completely or do a 500 point build though not looking like anyone ever does 500 point startign games not that I've really looked hard

Sly Hound wrote:
Also dont take things like Enemy 14 and In debt 6 Lightly "cause it gives you points"

While part of it definitely was to get points they both fit really well with the story that I came up with and I came up with that story long before I did qualitites.

Sly Hound wrote:
Now then into your build itself first off where is your gear?

Gear was done just had trouble figuring our how to post it in a readable fashion.

Sly Hound wrote:
Next is ywhy are you a technomancer if you barely do any hacking?

Think this is a misconception on your part technomancers also deal with rigging that's this toons focus, rigging.

Sly Hound wrote:
The first thing if you want some good advise is to tell us/me Whats your character to you..is he a techno who can drive... a driver that heppens to be a techno?Whats your theme when making that guy..whats "im keeping this no matter what" and whats"well i didint know where ot put those points"

I think again if you read the story you see the character focuses on empathizing with machines and has a detailed background that shows his decent into the shadows because of his fear of being caught out as a technomancer. this eventually led him to jail. Now hes out and trying to get back to where he was.



Found one problem I didn't state the character concept very well.

I think "Machine Whisperer" might describe what I'm trying to build. Imagine a animal trainer that so in tune with the animals he trains that he seems to almost be able to talk to them and translate that to machines.


Last edited by Nycidian Grey on Thu Mar 29, 2012 4:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Nycidian Grey



Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Registration date : 2012-03-26

PostSubject: Re: Ex-smuggler (Please Critique)   Thu Mar 29, 2012 4:15 pm

Here is what would change if I had to knock it too 400 BP.

Everything not here doesn't change, minus the history. He would have to have been a ground vehicle driver in the military and instead of going to the Cascades he went straight to Seattle where he became friends with an ex smuggler Chase and started a business together. While it works I like the original better story wise.


Knowledge Skills(0)
English : N
Native American Nations : 3
Area Knowledge : 4
Crime Syndicates : 3
Seattle Street Gangs : 3
Corp. Security Tactics : 2
Military : 3
Engineering : 3
Security Design : 3

Active Skills(90)
Software : 2
Gunnery : 3
Pilot Ground Craft : 4
Pilot Aircraft : 3
Electronic Warfare : 1
Armorer : 2
Artisan : 2
Aeronautics Mechanic : 1
Automotive Mechanic : 3
Compiling (Machine) : 1


Negative Qualities
In Debt 6
Day Job 1


Complex forms(15)
Spoof (3)
ECCM (3)
Sniffer (3)
Scan (3)
Command (3)
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